The Whiskey Journal

As the watch rusts,

the shades splinter,

and the shoes wear down,

you’re left with a familiar feeling,

a hollow shell of the man who stood before you

I’m not upset about the fact that you left me with more questions than answers,

Nor am i upset over the fact that your promises were thinner than paper

What i am upset about is that we did not make more use of the time we had together

I can’t say that you were the best father a son could have, i wish i could

but you taught me to dream of things beyond myself

Because you saw something in me that I could not yet see

You saw potential

You saw someone who could change the world around him and care for those he loves

You left me to be the man of my family and take hold of our name

i wish i knew more about you than the stories you told me as a kid

But what i do know, is that you were proud of me, proud of what I’ve done in my life

And i know now, that i will use every ounce of strength i have in my body

To continue making you proud for as long as I live and breathe

I love you Dad,

The reason why I have not posted a whiskey Journal:

Its been about a month now, and I can honestly say I did not expect myself to be in this state of happiness.  A part of me thought I’d be reaching for a 9 mm out of insanity but it dawned upon me that love wasn’t a factor in those many strange months.  What it now seems like was that I was on drugs. Addicted to go see her every week and getting a highly blissful feeling when I did. But like all drugs, it starts to have the opposite effect. I eventually felt weak and anxious to get myself away. And then once again, my arch nemesis came back looking for me. Toska. That spiritual anguish that hits you, and creates the feeling of something missing. What the real bitch about Toska is, is the fact that you can never really put your finger on what’s missing…. or if there really is anything missing.

Yet, once you spend enough time on your own, your mind starts working again. And what I soon found out is that it wasn’t some woman that was missing in my life, it was me that was missing. I hadn’t really had a strong grip of myself, and my well-being.  Once that hit me, a strong weight off my mind was lifted. The fact that I now know that I have to put some more attention to what I’m doing and how I’m doing for that matter, is something quite useful. I don’t want a girl who is fragments of insecurities and fears, I want a wholesome person. And for that to happen I myself need to be a wholesome person. Its that simple saying, you get what you put in.  You see, I was doing it all wrong; I was trying to be happy so that someone else would like it. But the real fact of the matter is that you yourself have to be happy for the purpose of yourself. That’s what truly marks happiness.

Its good to finally be off the drug and get back to my dear whiskey, and to be happy for only myself, not anyone whom I have to prove worthy to.

So, crack open another bottle and spill the truths of the world we live in.

Cheers!

When i first started writing these journals, it was a means to blurt out all the shit that was racing through my mind as i was in a state of self-awarness. It worked, and it still does. But i realize now that these journals have a higher and more important use. Its not so that as many people read whats going on in my mind but to try to inspire as many people to do the same.

Now i dont mean to drink a bottle of whiskey and to write (if thats something that you want to do then more power to you!), i just mean to write. Write whatever the fuck is on your mind, because tomorrow those same thoughts may be harder to reach. So write, write until your fingers are sore. And who gives a fuck if its interesting or not? ITS YOURS. The only person who should really benefit from the written works are you.

If i can feel proud of anything, it would be that i could have  had the opportunity to inspire others to write. 

Yours Truly,

Benjamin Michael Ozerkevich

So here we are again, sipping on what I call a Jack and Jill. The drink grows on you, it’s not great at the beginning but you stop caring after a few, oh wait, or is that with any other drink? Ah well… So tonight I have a topic in mind so that my mind doesn’t wander as much as it has in the past few journals. Again, sorry about that. But today I want to talk about taking life for granted. I know this may be a little overdone or even cliché but hear me out.

Something really strange happened recently. As I was taking my girlfriend home on the bus (no I don’t have a car yet), the tollbooth operator got shot. Straight out of nowhere, just shot from point blank in the neck. I’m not sure if he’s alive or not now but that got me really thinking.  I mean that guy must have gone to work like any other day thinking nothing of it, and then bam!!! A monumental life-changing event happens for no fucking reason. It dawned upon me just how random life can be, to the point where it gets scary. And that got me to think. If shit like that just happens out of the blue, maybe it’s a good time to start taking inventory of what’s going on in one’s life.  So, I tired to do that exact thing. And what kinda hit me was that I’ve been taking a horrendous amount of my life for granted. Take my school for example, ive been in University for almost a year now and it hasn’t really hit me the fact that I am actually on the road to what I want to become in life. I’ve just really been using up the time to drink with my floor mates and write these somewhat questionable journals. What kind of opportunity am I not realizing? Perhaps I need to take a step back from everything. Now it can’t be just me who is like this, what kind of opportunities and connections between yourself and others are you not really acknowledging? The amount of shit in our lives that gets over-looked is preposterous.

            Where are you right now? What are you doing? Now I’m not asking what your literally doing right this minute, I’m asking you what are you doing in your current state in your life? Are you working towards a goal? Are you in school for some career waiting for you in the years to come? Or are you waiting for something interesting to come your way? In any case I think you need to take a sharp look at whatever your doing and analyze it to determine if this is what is making you happy or will make you happy. Because if it doesn’t, why the fuck are you doing it? As I have just stated, life is seriously fucking random, and you might not have the same opportunities that you have today, tomorrow. Now I hate to sound like some stupid motivational speaker that comes to your school and drags on a horrendously boring lecture, but that tool booth guy could be anyone, especially in Toronto. This past week I’ve been trying to do this exact thing; take inventory. And to my knowledge I have a pretty fulfilling life waiting for me to acknowledge it. I just haven’t really. Why? I don’t fucking know, I’m four deep and cant possibly ponder a valid reason. But what matters is that you catch on to it while your still living it. I’m in University, which is a place I literally never thought would reach, and I have an outstanding girlfriend whom I am for some fucking stupid reason toying around with. If I looked at myself a few years back, there’s no way I would have believed that I would have this. So its dawned upon me to start realizing what’s in front of me and respect and cherish it. It’s a simple matter of math, if you subtract the few things that are happening in your life right now, where would it leave you? Would you be happier? Or would you be upset to lose such precious things? I don’t know, you tell me. But I know for a fact now what it would be for me, and I’m sure I would not be in a good state if any kind of subtraction happened right now. So my prescription is to do some simple math and inventory of what the fuck is going on, because you never know, that toll booth worker taking the day, as any other boring day could be you. That’s all I got, Peace.

Tonight will be another instalment. 

Topic?

“Taking life for granted”

Read More

Ok take two on my journal; clearly the gin is not a good addition to my normal writing pattern. My heads a bit cloudy at the moment so I’m trying the work with what I have right now. Tonight I guess I will try a different topic that does not involve me, myself and I.  So sorry, I guess I have no relationship babble this time, clearly my drink is taking me elsewhere. Toronto, my favorite piece of discussion. Not really though, I would much rather talk about anything else but it seems this is the only thing that my mind can focus on right now.  Oh well….

So what’s up with Toronto right now? A lot, to be honest. But one problem has been annoying me lately, the fact that Torontonians have become so distant from each other its actually quite sickening. If you live in Toronto you know exactly what I mean. We avoid talking to each other, try and walk as far away from each other and even try to avoid making eye contact with each other.  I am sorry, but I have grown sick of living in such an impersonal city.  It seems like when I go on the subway there is this unwritten set of rules that you must abide by to be considered normal. If you even try and start a conversation with someone, you’re looked at like you have some mental health issue. That is seriously fucked up. What happened to the days where someone could start a very casual conversation with the person sitting beside him or her?  Is it the fear that they might hurt us? Or even maybe that they might ask something of us? I don’t know, but I’m tired of having to keep my eyes on the ground and to not say a word to any body on the street.

Perhaps it’s a cause of everyone becoming so closed in on their own lives that they forget that there is a million other people going about their day in the same environment. I was reading an article today and read that some professional violinist played in the subway to see if anyone would notice. The result? 95% of people walked right by and did not even notice their current surrounding. This, to me, is quite an alarming issue. Why? Because if you cant notice some of the most beautiful classical music artists right in front of you, how much else are you missing from everyday life?  I think that this is one of the many problems that our society faces, not just the serious factor of uneven wealth distribution, but the fact that we are forgetting to pay attention and have any kind of concern for our neighbors. We advertise that we are multi-cultured and very inclusive, but how can that be if we try to ignore our acquaintances on a daily basis?

I think before we can make any real improvement within our city, we have to start acknowledging our surroundings and our peers.  I think we should all just take a step back and look at how things are, you know, really take in the city around us. Maybe not when you’re driving though. Hell why not just sit down and have a drink and really take in everything that’s happening? There’s this joke that I have heard about Toronto, and it goes “A man walks by another man on a street in downtown Toronto, one man says Good morning!! And the other man walks by and thinks: I wonder what he meant by that?? Unfortunately that pretty much sums up Toronto nowadays. My prescription for Toronto? Sit the fuck down, have a glass of whiskey and listen in on the music that your ears don’t always pick up on. That’s all I gotta say, peace…

Ok so here’s the thing, there is a very strong emotion that continuously gets mistaken with love.  This emotion I don’t have a word for; maybe lust I don’t know. But it gets you drunk. And tonight my friends, I was hammered. But don’t get me wrong; I am hammered right now, just not in the same way you see. The thing is, is that with some relationships, if you’re not careful, you’ll be chugging back that sweet, sweet drink for far to long. I don’t mean that this is the only emotion that is present, me saying that would be false. But what I am saying is that when being removed from this state of lust/drunkenness, it puts you through withdrawal, which can be mistaken as “my heart feels like it was yanked out”. No, that would be an instance of you being the star of a serial murder case. And that is exactly what I am being careful of. I have my own drink, I don’t need two. So either change the state of the situation, or get the fuck out. And me being an optimist of the situation, I intend to change it. I am faithful to my whiskey and I don’t intend to cheat!!

             Now I apologize for changing the subject but I feel as though my mind is beginning to wander off, so to catch up with it I will talk about the next topic on the woozy mind. “On to the next one” eh Scott? First topic on the mind: Toronto’s lack of courage with fighting!!! As a born and raised Torontonian, I do feel the right to depict and criticize many aspects of Toronto. If you’ve never lived there, than go live there or shut the fuck up. Anyways, as a teenager there I have realized one of many things; the gutlessness of Toronto thugs.

These pathetic, space-wasters are the biggest nuisances to the streets. These are the kind of people who try to act tough, and try to mug you, and who try to feel that the own the streets that they are on. Why are these people such a nuisance? Because they are like a pack of fucking hyenas. They are beyond afraid of confronting you alone. So, they get 8 of their buddies to come beat you up if they have a problem with you. Whatever happened to the days where if you had a fucking problem with a guy, then you went and confronted him yourself with the balls that you were given at birth!!! But instead, they grab as many people as they can, corner, you, and beat the shit out of you. That above all else, is the most pathetic action you can take. I am sick of these kids running around and giving Toronto a bad name (not that we ever had an especially good name to begin with). So the question comes up, will I want to raise my own children in such a city? Probably. Why? Because if we just pull out, and leave the land, than what good does that do? Maybe if we raised our kids a little better, put some half decent values and morals into them, than maybe…. just maybe, we can shape up Toronto. That’s it, peace.